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万事开头难 | 拥有好的开头你的文书就成功了一半

  文:冯典老师【原创】

  美国大学的申请文书,对于能否被理想的学校录取有很重要的影响,而文书的开头是最难写的,同学们一般会琢磨很久,甚至无从下手。下面我先举几个例子进行评价,这几个例子都是失败的例子。

  Example 1:

  After graduating from Beijing Kedi Experimental School in July 2010, I was selected by the Middle School Affiliated to Renmin University of China, on the basis of my outstanding academic records, to enter my senior high school studies…

  这种开头等于是简历的扩展版,过于死板和无趣,同时又感觉在自夸。一提到“亮点”,有些学生会立马想到自己的学校和成绩。你的学校,成绩有多好,招生官可以从你提供的成绩单中看出,但在文书中再次强调就毫无意义,这并不是招生官想知道的。

  Example 2:

  I entered onto the scene of this terrestrial sphere on a vernal eveningin 1997!

  这种开头像是一部科幻片的开始。与example 1相反,有些学生刻意追求文章的“特色”,从而在语言,表达上过于浮夸。本身是简单的出生,却被写得相当有传奇色彩。这样不仅达不到你想要的“特色”效果,反而令招生官排斥。

  Example 3:

  The day my golden retriever died, my world changed as Brandy’s eyes closed…

  死亡,是人类最难写的话题,也是最不讨喜的话题,连最著名的作家都在避免写这类东西,更何况是17,8岁的中学生呢?而且,文章一开始就用这种消极或者无病呻吟的tone会更令招生官看不下去。

  

  Example 4:

  I am born to be a problem solver. I have an impulse as a kind of instincts to solve various problems before me and enjoy doing that. Since I was a little boy, a voice from President Franklin Roosevelt has constantly hovered around my mind, "The world can be changed by man's endeavor, …

  这里的tone与example 3的“悲情体”相反,但也容易让招生官厌恶。“凭口无据”是文书创作的一大忌,即便事实确实如此,也不能过于自信和有野心。这样不仅表现不出你的“亮点”,反而是在“自吹自擂”。

  Example 5:

  Making a right decision at the right time is very important for a young people. At present, I have come to acritical point in my life when I have to make a decision concerning my futur ecourse of action. Only a perceptive understanding of oneself will enable one to chart his proper action. After carefully thinking, reviewing my life and analyzing my personality, I make the determination and choose to apply for American universities.And I choose to specialize in communications which I will pursue a lifelong career.

  这种开头主次不分,重点不明显,容易让招生官认为逻辑混乱。虽然开头不一定“开门见山”,但无论什么样的开头,需要让招生官大概了解你的文书会讲什么。另外,这种总结式的叙述适合放在结尾,文章的重点是这个总结是怎么来的。

  

  一个好的文书开头,目的在于吸引招生官读下去的兴趣和欲望。那么怎样才能达到可观的效果呢?开头的写法必须能带动全文,使文章能够动起来,也使文气能够延续下去,否则就成为一篇死气沉沉的文章了。下面我总结了五种文书开头写法,均摘录于修改后的申请文书。

  开门见山式

  -My most important cross-cultural experienceis related to the two months I spent in Thailand as a teacher of English in a Cambodian refugee camp.

  

  - This summer, I followed the Language and Culture English Summer Camp to support education for those rural students with excellent academics who were going to enter key senior high in Jiangxi Province.

  兴趣爱好渐入式

  -To tell truth, I am not quite good at expressing my feelings by means of words. Instead, I show special preference to comics that has deeply obsessed me since my early ages and become the best reflection of my inner spirit world.

  

  -From My Early Life, I learn that Churchill’s life ambition was rooted in his 1500 tin soldiers; for me, I am honored to keep a similar interest with him,that is, making military models.

  个人背景渐入式

  -I come from a world that has attracted tremendous attention but still remains to be fully understood-China. The time-honored history and culture of five thousand years bestow Chinese people profound and uniqueintrinsic qualities. Since my childhood, my parents focus on instructing me to greet the charm of Chinese ancient civilization, which absorbs me in a diversity of classical philosophy and literature. Under this background, I have greatly cultivated my temperament, improved my appreciation of beauty, and perfected my outlook on life.

  

  -I was born with neurological damage in the legs, which means I couldn’t control my legs very well and that had prevented me from running fast and jumping freely. When I was little, I barely talked to people and had no confidence in anything. My loneliness had always made me teased by peers.

  引用式

  -When asked how to manage to mask remarkable statues, the French sculptor Auguste Rodin answered, “I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.” For me, life is just a block of marble---whether the marble can be turned into a remarkable statue depends on your natural talents, diligence and a sense of duty. During over four years’ my college life, I have been dreaming of being a perfect female researcher so that I can enhance more young girls’confidence in scientific research and encourage them to promote the development of science as men do.

  

  -“A good debater should never try to persuade others for himself”, Sam told us, “All you have to do is to gain a huge power for persuading everyone; however, remember, you must always do the right thing as long as you go outside of my classroom and own the strongest weapon of wise.Promise me.”Sam is a professor who was widely respected by everyone on campus when I was in Cornell Debate Camp; his bright but knowledgeable brainbox never ceased to shine with boundless erudition and wisdom.

  插入式

  -Staring at the rising price on the computer screen, I stretched out my hand to the mouse and drew back again.Should I buy it now? Would it balloon or break? What if I take a wait-and-see approach? A series of uncertainties and concerns hovered in my mind.

  

  -My teeth couldn’t stop chattering. My legs couldn’t stop trembling. Standing at the center of the ice rink, I felt cold for the very first time since I started learning to ice skate. The pressing ticking sounds made by the clock hung on the wall told me that there was only 10 minutes left for the beginning of National Figure Skating Competition for Intermediate Level.

  在申请高峰期,招生官只会花上一到两分钟阅读你的文书,因此你必须利用开头从一开始就抓住他们的兴趣。在写完主体部分之后,你甚至可能需要考虑重写开头部分。最后,同学们需要注意的是:

  在开头部分不要进行概括。问问自己招生官为什么在读完开头之后还想继续往下读。如果你对情况作概括的话,招生官就不需要阅读余下的部分了。

  在开头部分设置悬念或埋下伏笔。在招生官的心中设下问题,促使他们继续阅读下去,激发他们的兴趣,使他们理解你的主题。

  美国人的文章向来是开门见山的,不像中国人那样做了很多铺垫才切入正题。虽然说可以不要在开头直接点出主题,但是你的主题一定要在前面三段中得到陈述,否则招生官读了半天也不知道你在说什么。

  冯典老师

  

  澳大利亚麦考瑞大学文学,社会科学硕士

  (语言学,国际关系)

  Taylor具有丰富的美国大学申请和文书制作经验,对美国的教育体制,文化背景,院校申请,签证制度颇为精通。善于挖掘学生的优势,量衣裁体设计出适合学生自己的留学方案。几年来,帮助大量学生成功录取到加州大学伯克利,洛杉矶分校,埃默里大学,弗吉尼亚大学,南加州大学,纽约大学等美国名校。

  陆桥老师原创,如需转载请注明出处二维码及原文链接

  看了以上的内容不知道大家对怎样写好文章的开头有没有一个大致的概念。想写好一篇文书不是一朝一夕能练就的功力。大家如果对文书有什么疑惑或者想咨询如何写好文书欢迎致电陆桥教育400-630-1706,微信咨询陆小桥老师(luqiao52181129),或直接后台回复我们。